Forgiveness is one of the defining actions of Christians. The opposite of this is hanging onto bitterness. In the words of C. S. Lewis,
To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. (C. S. Lewis)[1]
This is a beautiful summary of what God teaches us through the parable of the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18:21-35. Take a moment and read it if you do not know the story! This quote also echoes the sobering words that follow the Lord’s Prayer:
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matthew 6:14-15 ESV)
Christians are not only people who forgive, but they are people who must forgive. Forgiveness is one expression of our obedience to Jesus that flows from our love for him (John 14:15). We cannot trust that God’s grace for us has really taken root in our hearts if we cannot extend that same grace to others.
I pray that as you read this article, God’s Spirit would point out one person in your life or offense you’ve suffered that you need to forgive, and that you, in response, would decide today to forgive them, and surrender to God’s healing process so that you can move forward in freedom.
Before we talk about how to forgive, let’s establish what forgiveness is not.
What Forgiveness Is Not
Exercising true forgiveness will take many shapes in your life and will require much of you, but here are a few things that forgiveness does not mean.
Forgiving does not mean trusting. Forgiveness does not need to be earned, but trust does. Sometimes, physical safety or personal health are real issues to consider in a relationship. So even though you are trusting the wrong done to you to the justice of God, you still maintain personal responsibility for the people and things God has entrusted to your care. Even though you are choosing to forgive, it’s not wrong to maintain healthy boundaries with a person who has yet to prove their trustworthiness, especially if they have betrayed your trust or shown a lack of integrity.
Forgiving does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget the wrong done to you. Memory is a function of the brain. Forgiveness is a function of the soul. When I forgive, I release the burden of justice to God because only he can right all wrongs. Maybe that’s why Jesus said forgive someone 77 times—because he knows we will keep remembering the sin committed against us (Matthew 18:21-22). Just because you can’t forget what happened to you doesn’t mean you can’t forgive.
Forgiving also does not mean excusing. I think we often mistake the concept of forgiveness with the idea of excusing sin. Here’s what I mean: when someone wrongs us, there is no excuse for that offense. It was wrong. It happened. And it had consequences—sometimes terrible consequences. You can’t just look past that or excuse it. That’s why forgiveness is needed. Forgiveness means absorbing the cost of someone’s offense. You were hurt by someone else’s wrongdoing. Forgiveness is willingly accepting that hurt and choosing not to punish them for it. It does not mean that you pretend you weren’t wronged, or that you call sin “no big deal.” Forgiveness necessitates an offense. For you to extend forgiveness requires that you not only acknowledge that offense, but also that you absorb the cost of it. To forgive is the opposite of excusing someone.
Forgiving does not mean reconciling. Forgiveness is a decision that only you can make. Reconciliation is a decision that both the offended and the offender need to make. Both parties must be willing to work together to reconcile. And the sad reality of this fallen world that we live in is that reconciliation isn’t always an option. You don’t have control over how the other person responds to or receives your forgiveness and reconciliation may not actually be possible. The relationship may not be able to be repaired. However, if the possibility of rebuilding trust and relationship exists, the Lord commands you to whole-heartedly pursue reconciliation (Romans 12:18; 2 Corinthians 13:11). Even if reconciliation is not possible, you can still choose to forgive despite the brokenness of the relationship.
Choosing to forgive someone doesn’t mean the same thing as trusting them, or forgetting the hurt they caused you, or excusing their wrongdoing, or even restoring your relationship with them.
So, what is forgiveness and how do you move forward?
To Forgive, You Must Trust in God’s Justice
Forgiveness is only possible when you believe the central message of the Bible, what we call the gospel. The beginning of the gospel or “good news” is some bad news—that we are all sinners deserving of God’s eternal wrath (Romans 3:23; Romans 6:23).
We discover in the Bible that God is just and will justly punish all our sins (Exodus 34:7). God justly punished the sin of some people when he poured out his wrath on Jesus on the cross, when he stood in their place (John 3:16). Those who have trusted in Jesus are fully forgiven of all their sin. But God did not punish all sin when Jesus died on the cross—those who reject Jesus will pay for their own sin in eternity (2 Thessalonians 1:8-9).
Considering what we have just remembered from the Bible’s teaching, one of two things will happen to the person who wronged you:
They either have, or will, put their faith in Jesus at some point in their life. In that case, all the evil and wrong they’ve ever done, including what they did to you, was fully paid for by Jesus on the cross. There’s nothing more you can do to satisfy God’s perfect justice. Jesus paid it all—just like he did for you.
Or they will never put their faith in Jesus. And as a result, they will spend the rest of eternity paying for their sin in hell—something you will never have to do because Jesus has taken your punishment upon himself. How sobering.
When Jesus calls you to forgive, he is commanding you to release the injustice that you received to the perfect justice of God. The person who wronged you is not getting away with what they have done—their sin was punished when Jesus suffered for them on the cross, or their sin will be punished when they must suffer for it in hell.
Often a barrier to forgiveness is our profound sense of injustice. But through his Word, God assures us that justice will be served to every sin. This sobers us, and frees us to extend full forgiveness and mercy to others, as we remember how freely and fully Christ has shown mercy to us.
If you need help applying these truths to your situation, consider this helpful exercise.
An Exercise to Help You Forgive
I was listening to Lysa Terkeurst talk this week (she authored the book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, leads Proverbs 31 Ministries, and hosts a podcast called Therapy and Theology), and she was relaying the story of how she could get to the point of forgiving the person who wounded her so deeply.
She told of the time in her counselor’s office when she wrote down each offense committed against her on a note card. She then began to choose to forgive each of those offenses. But as easy as that sounds, it was incredibly difficult. And so, her counselor gave her a red piece of felt to lay over the ones that seemed too hard to release and forgive. It was to symbolize for her the blood of Jesus that was shed to pay for that specific sin. And so, as she would lay that red felt on that card, she would say:
“I forgive him for __________. And whatever my feelings will not yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will cover it.”
Consider doing this exercise yourself!
To forgive, you must acknowledge the wrong done to you and choose to entrust that person’s wrongdoing to the justice of God. As you recognize the mercy of Jesus toward you, may it soften your heart to extend mercy to others.
So, with the person who has wronged you in mind, how do you forgive them?
How to Forgive
Acknowledge the reality of the wrong or harm done. Otherwise, there is nothing to forgive! You aren’t doing anyone a courtesy by pretending nothing happened and denying the truth. It is appropriate to call sin, sin.
Remember what Jesus did on your behalf so you could be forgiven. This is the only way we can forgive. God calls us to forgive “as the Lord has forgiven you” (Colossians 3:13 ESV).
Recognize what Jesus did on the perpetrator’s behalf so they could be forgiven too. That great forgiveness and love and grace that has been extended to you has also been extended in Christ to the person who did you such great harm! Realize Jesus was the one most deeply wounded for their sin, and he bore that pain willingly out of his great love for them.
Release justice into God’s hands. Choose not to hold the sin against them anymore, but instead, release them from personal retribution. In other words, you don’t have to make them “pay” for their sin because you trust God has taken care of that. You may have to make a conscious and continuous effort to release justice into God’s hands.
Grieve the loss. Grieving is healthy. I’ve heard it said that grieving is the pain that heals all other pains. But waiting years to grieve these pains is what psychologists call “Delayed Bereavement.” Delayed Bereavement shuts down our brain’s processing functions. It messes up our creativity, focus, energy, and mood. Grieving helps us access those things again. In other words, when we grieve, we are finally able to experience the beauty and wonder of life again. Grief is a way of saying goodbye to bitterness. Grief is feeling the loss rather than living in denial and anger. God welcomes us to bring all our sorrows to him and pour out our hearts before him (Psalm 62:8). Once you grieve the loss, you can…
Commit to the process for as long as healing takes. You have been wounded, and it may take time for the Lord to heal that wound (Psalm 147:3). Recognize that you’re making a choice to forgive, but you’re also choosing to absorb the hurt that they caused, and to forgive each time I notice the root of bitterness creeping up again. Walk in freedom by choosing forgiveness again and again and again.
Seek to bless the person. Work for their good—even if it’s in a small way. Show the fruit of your freedom. In the New Testament, the two main words for forgiveness are the words ἀφίημι (aphiēmi, “forgive,” from the word that means “to release”), and χαρίζομαι (charizomai, “forgive,” from the word that means grace). In other words, when the New Testament writers talk about forgiveness, you can’t escape the intentional allusion to releasing and giving grace. It’s more than just letting someone off the hook—releasing them—it’s about also giving them blessings and favor that they never earned—giving grace.
God didn’t just let us off the hook, but abundantly blessed us. If the call of the Christian is to be like Christ in how you forgive others, then we must seek to bless those who have hurt us. Consider these helpful words from the book of Ephesians:
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. (Ephesians 4:31-5:2 NLT)
Choose to Forgive Today
Maybe there is somebody, or some situation, that the Lord has been bringing to your mind as you read this article. I want to encourage you to let his sanctifying Word shine some light on the painful parts of your heart that you’ve been holding onto so tightly.
The healing that comes through forgiveness is only made possible by what Jesus did for us when he died on the cross and rose again three days later. Bring your hurts to the Lord today in prayer and ask his Holy Spirit to empower you to forgive as you have been forgiven.
Lord, you have revealed to pockets of bitterness, anger, selfishness, greed, or pride I need to pay attention to? I invite you to show me where I’ve sinned by refusing to forgive. I am willing to confess. I am willing to repent. Please convict me this morning and lead me in your path of righteousness. Empower me to forgive. And as you do, please work healing and wholeness in me, so that others may see your goodness and glory.
This article was adapted with permission from the message “Free to Live” by Pastor Brant Cole, preached at Walloon Lake Community Church.
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Source
[1] C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1996), pp. 135-136.