When Sex Is Not Beautiful
Several times so far in this chapter, I have come close to saying simply, “Sex is beautiful.” Instead, I have added a qualifier, such as sex can be beautiful or it is possible for sex to be beautiful or sex is beautiful when . . . This is because—like everything else in this fallen world—our sexuality is damaged and distorted. Often, the most beautiful gifts become the most painful when they are scarred by sin, and this is surely true of our sexuality.
In speaking about sex, therefore, we need to ask once again a question that has troubled us repeatedly in our biblical, theological, and practical consideration of beauty. If our sexuality is divinely designed to express eternal beauty, then why does our actual experience with sex fall so far short of that ideal? Why do we go off script from the gospel story, in which sex is for the glory of God, and decide to tell our own story instead?
The simple answer is that too often we want the pleasures of sin more than we want the beauty of God. There are many ways to talk about sexual perversion and the damage it does. Sexual sin—in whatever form—is a rejection of clear biblical truth and a transgression of God’s holy law. It may also be a violation of the natural order. All this is true. But sexual sin is also ugly, which ought to be reason enough to choose a different path.
Sexual Abuse
Sex is ugly whenever it betrays a trust or breaks a promise. So is any and every form of sexual abuse: rape, sex trafficking, prostitution, incest, domestic violence, and so on. The physical harm and personal exploitation of another human being—usually, though not always, a woman—can never be anything except a grotesque violation of the beautiful image of God.
This is all the more true when sexual abuse is sanctioned by or secretly harbored in the church, with devastating results in the lives of the survivors and everyone else whose trust is betrayed as a result. Sex is ugly whenever it is treated as a physical act that can somehow be separated from the rest of life. Nancy Pearcey wisely criticizes the regnant view of sex as “an exchange of physical services between autonomous disconnected individuals.” Although Christians typically “think sexual hedonism places too much value on the purely physical dimension” of life, she says, “in reality it places a very low value on the body, draining it of moral and personal significance.”[1]
Pornography
Pornography is ugly for some of the same reasons—and many more. Because it portrays human bodies, with their inherent beauty, sexual imagery may sometimes tempt us into thinking that we are looking at something beautiful. But we are deceived. As an industry of exploitation—virtually a slave trade[2]—pornography teaches viewers to see other people merely as objects of selfish desire rather than as real persons with eternal souls. This sad reality led the late philosopher Roger Scruton boldly and accurately to declare that pornography “is not a tribute to human beauty but a desecration of it.”[3] Scruton said this because he believed that sexual desire is “an incandescent revelation of what you are.” To “treat it as a commodity,” therefore, “is to damage both present self and future other.”[4] In other words, pornography harms the viewer immediately, but eventually it hurts other people too. The way it teaches us to treat people—not the people on the screen but the real people we live with every day—is selfish and therefore far from beautiful.
(Learn More: What Does the Bible Say About Watching Porn?)
Masturbation
What about masturbation? Much could be said about this subject too, about self-stimulation as self-worship that wastes away our spiritual and sexual powers. For now, the only question I want to ask is whether masturbation is beautiful. The answer is no because it is focused on having and taking, not giving and sharing.
What Makes These Things Distortions of Sex?
Notice what various forms of sexual transgression have in common: they fail to express enduring love. Rather than cherishing another person, they use or abuse another person. Only loving actions are truly beautiful—the things we do for others and not simply for ourselves. Any time we take sex, keep sex, use sex, or steal sex, we are not giving or sharing it in the beautiful way that God intends.
Understanding this dynamic gives us something new to say to ourselves and maybe to others whenever we are tempted to sin in sexual ways. We can always say, “This is wrong,” of course, or, “I shouldn’t do this.” But we can also say, “This isn’t beautiful the way Jesus wants it to be, and I want my life—I want your life, I want our lives—to be more beautiful.”
Knowing when sex is not beautiful also gives us another way to pray when we stumble and fall into sin, as we all do. First, we repent, not waiting even one more minute to ask God to forgive our sins for Jesus’ sake. By the power of the cross and the empty tomb, no sexual sin—no transgression of any kind—is too great for his grace. Then we ask God to help us “go, and sin no more” (John 8:11 KJV). “Make me holy, Lord”—that is something we can always pray. But we can also pray this: “Lord, by your gracious Spirit, make me strong to stand against Satan. And make my life more beautiful—sexually beautiful for you.” The Holy Spirit will not wait another minute either but will start making us stronger, holier, and therefore more beautiful right away.
When Sex Is Beautiful
At this point I need to expand on what I mean when I say that sex is beautiful. I am not referring primarily or exclusively to physical acts of sexual intimacy—more specifically, to sexual relations between a husband and a wife who are bound together by covenant promises. Such sex is (or can be) beautiful. That is not, however, the only way our sexuality can be beautiful for God. There is another form of sexual beauty that is more common—something that can be expressed by anyone, regardless of marital status, sex, age, or sexual orientation. I refer to the beauty of chastity: the sacrificial beauty of refraining from sex outside the bonds of covenant promise.
Honoring Jesus in Our Sexual Lives
Admittedly, such purity seems contrary to our natural inclinations. At the end of her bestselling book Sex in History, Reay Tannahill writes, “The truth is that there has never been a very close match between human instincts and Judeo-Christian sexual morality.”[5] Tannahill is right: what we want for us and what God wants for us often feel contradictory. Christ’s call to chastity is especially countercultural in today’s oversexed culture, where cohabitation—so unwisely!—has become the norm, even among many churchgoers.[6] A call for celibacy in the life of a single Christian can come across like a consolation prize. Pursuing sexual purity is a hard struggle. Many of us can relate to Mother Teresa’s reply when she was asked if it was hard to keep her vow of chastity. “Yes,” she said, “I find it sometimes very difficult to smile at my spouse, Jesus, because he can be very demanding—sometimes.”[7]
Yet the demand for sexual purity is the unmistakable teaching of Scripture, and therefore it must be God’s permanent will for our lives. Notice how plainly and directly Paul says this to the Thessalonians:
This is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality, that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother [or sister] in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. (1 Thessalonians 4:3–8 ESV)
That last phrase is crucial—the part where Paul promises us the Holy Spirit. It is also life changing. The gift of God’s beautiful Holy Spirit means that we have the power to resist temptation—including sexual temptation—and to live in a way that is holy for God. John Calvin highlighted our responsibility to cooperate with the Spirit’s sanctification of our sexuality when he wrote,
Ever since the Holy Spirit dedicated us as temples to God, we must take care that God’s glory shine through us, and must not commit anything to defile ourselves with the filthiness of sin. Ever since both our souls and bodies are destined for heavenly incorruption and an unfading crown, we ought to strive manfully to keep them pure and uncorrupted until the Day of the Lord.[8]
We unleash extraordinary spiritual power and witness stunning beauty when as believers we make an uncompromising commitment to sexual purity and offer our bodies as living sacrifices for the glory of God (see Romans 12:1–2). Remember that we did not make ourselves. God made us in his holy and divine image. Remember too that we were “bought with a price” (1 Corinthians 6:20 ESV), which Jesus paid in blood to wash away our sins. Our bodies do not belong to us, therefore; we are not our own. Even though our culture tells us that we have a right to do whatever we want, with whomever we want, whenever we want to do it, the truth is that our bodies belong to God, both by creation and by redemption.
Our bodies are not our personal property; they are our stewardship responsibility.
If giving our bodies to God seems like a sacrifice, that is because it is. It is a sexual sacrifice! It is also a gift—a gift to God and to everyone else who is honored and protected by the holy choices we make with our bodies. This includes our spouse (or future spouse), if God provides us one. And like most willing sacrifices, this freely offered gift is beautiful—beautiful to God and beautiful to the world, if only we have the eyes to behold it.
A Remarkable Testimony of Costly Sexual Sacrifice
One of the most remarkable testimonies of the costly beauty of sexual sacrifice comes from the life of Helen Roseveare, the pioneering English medical missionary to Congo whose sufferings bore global witness to the evangelical church. When Roseveare first came to Christ as a student at Cambridge University, she pledged herself to missionary work and explicitly presented her life for kingdom service. She went out into the countryside and offered this astonishing prayer: “O.K. God, today I mean it. Go ahead and make me more like Jesus, whatever the cost.”[9]
In a time of civil war, Congolese terrorists overran her hospital and violated her. Roseveare would later testify that in those horrific moments she found consolation in recognizing that she was suffering with Christ and for Christ. Then, after suffering such ungodly abuse, she faced an unexpected temptation. Some survivors of abuse are repelled by sex, owing to the trauma they have endured. Yet, with stunning transparency, Roseveare wanted fellow Christians to know that in the immediate aftermath of her attack, she experienced sexual desire more strongly. Remembering her fervent prayers to be more like Jesus, she once again had to surrender her sexuality—body and soul—back to Jesus in order to keep living the beautiful life she knew that God was calling her to live as a single missionary.
Sex Surrendered to Jesus Christ
Sex is not just beautiful when it is shared in a marriage but any time it is totally surrendered to Jesus Christ, including when we refrain from sexual activity for the greater glory of God. As Ray Ortlund rightly observes, “Inactive sexuality is not nonsexuality. It is purposeful sexuality.”[10] By the grace of God, what Helen Roseveare did is something that anyone can do at any moment in life: we can offer our sexuality to God. This means that both marriage and singleness are equally high callings. They are different, complementary ways to live out the beauty of a faithful, sacrificial life for the glory of God.
Theologian Beth Felker Jones helpfully connects the sexual sacrifices that all of us can make to declaring the good news of Jesus Christ:
When we—by the grace and power of God—are able to practice faithfulness in marriage and celibacy in singleness, we use our bodies to tell the story of God’s radical faithfulness. . .
Ultimately, sexuality is about doing one of the most exciting things we get to do as Christians. It is about obeying the command to “glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:20 NRSV) and testifying to the truth and power of the gospel story.[11]
Is Chastity Really Worth It?
All this may seem very costly. It always does feel costly at the time to give up something we desire, such as sexual pleasure. So it is worth asking whether it is worth it. Is it worth it to turn away for a season from the temptations of sin? Is it worth it to choose a more beautiful life and wait for the promised day when we will become “a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord” (Isaiah 62:3 ESV)?
The best answer to that question was given in the upper room where Jesus shared one last supper with his disciples before he was tried and tortured and crucified on the cross of Calvary. Remember what Jesus said that night. He took a piece of bread, held it out to his first disciples—and to us—and said, “This is my body, which is given for you” (Luke 22:19 ESV).
Whenever we hear these words, we remember the beautiful sacrifice of love that saved the world. The cost of that sacrifice demanded that Jesus live a perfectly sinless life. He too was tempted by sexual sin—tempted as a single man. We do not know when, or how, or with whom, but we know that he too was tempted “in every way, just as we are” (Hebrews 4:15 NIV), which surely includes sexual temptation. Jesus resisted this temptation and every temptation. This means that before he died a sacrificial death, Jesus lived a sacrificial life—in other words, a beautiful life.
Will You Embrace the Beautiful Life God Has Called Us To?
Now Jesus invites us to live a beautiful life—a chaste life—from this moment forward and every time we fall. He does more than invite; by his Spirit, he also empowers. It was specifically to sexual sinners, who were misusing their bodies, that the apostle Paul wrote, “You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:11 ESV). When we live into the cleansing, sanctifying, justifying grace that God has for us in Jesus Christ, our lives—including our bodies—help tell the beautiful story of the gospel.
Content taken from Beauty is Your Destiny by Philip Ryken, ©2023. Used by permission of Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers, crossway.org.
. . .
Sources
[1] Nancy Pearcey, Love Thy Body: Answering Hard Questions about Life and Sexuality (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 2018), 28.
[2] Ray Ortlund, The Death of Porn: Men of Integrity Building a World of Nobility (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2021), 17–18. Ortlund argues further that because pornography involves human servitude, working to eradicate it is a justice issue.
[3] Roger Scruton, Beauty: A Very Short Introduction (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2011), 138.
[4] Scruton, Beauty, 137.
[5] Reay Tannahill, Sex in History, quoted in Weber, Sex and the City of God, 206.
[6] According to David J. Ayers, more than half of self-identified evangelical Protestants in America live together before they get married. Ayers, “The Cohabitation Dilemma Comes for America’s Pastors,” Christianity Today, April 2021, 37–41. See also Joe Carter, “Survey: Half of U.S. ‘Christians’ Say Casual Sex Is Acceptable,” The Gospel Coalition, May 1, 2021, https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/.
[7] Mother Teresa of Calcutta, quoted in Weber, Sex and the City of God, 50.
[8] John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, 3.6.3, quoted in W. David O. Taylor, The Theater of God’s Glory: Calvin, Creation, and the Liturgical Arts (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 2017), 137.
[9] Helen Roseveare, quoted in Justin Taylor, “A Woman of Whom the World Was Not Worthy: Helen Roseveare (1925–2016),” The Gospel Coalition, December 7, 2016, https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/.
[10] Ortlund, Death of Porn, 80.
[11] Beth Felker Jones, “Sex,” in Life Questions Every Student Asks: Faithful Responses to Common Issues, ed. Gary M. Burge and David Lauber (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic, 2020), 51, 61.