You deeply desire to be married. You long for the relational intimacy, partnership, and sexual union of marriage. You want to serve the Lord with everything in you, and you want a partner to do it with.
But for reasons that seem beyond your control, marriage has remained elusive. And you are tempted toward bitterness and despair. Or perhaps toward foolish choices.
With every wedding you attend, your suspicion that God has it in for you increases. Your angst is compounded when your friends start to have children. You have even prayed that God would help you to accept your singleness, but to no effect.
As stated from the outset, we make no pretense of understanding the relational pain that comes from unwanted singleness. But we know what it means to live with unfulfilled desires. No one gets through life getting everything he or she wants, and we are certainly no exception to the rule. And if there’s one thing we’ve learned about disappointment, it’s that peace comes only when we reckon with God’s sovereignty.
Rather than viewing your unwanted celibacy as rotten luck or divine punishment, we encourage you to view it as a divinely appointed fast, given to you for your blessing.
What Is the Point of Fasting?
Fasting from food is a biblically appointed means of heightening our sense of dependence on the Lord. In many respects, fasting serves much the same purpose as closing our eyes and bowing our heads when we pray. We close our eyes to eliminate distractions, and we bow our heads to remind ourselves of our humility before the Lord. Our bodily posture helps to focus our spirit.
Fasting works the same way. The physical hunger that inevitably arises due to fasting serves as a bodily reminder that we are dependent on the Lord for every need. Fasting heightens our spiritual senses; it diminishes the background noise of life and brings to the fore all the things we can take for granted. It reminds us that we need God moment by moment and that it is only by his grace that we have our appetites truly filled. We say no to food in order to hunger on purpose so that our hunger can reorient us back toward God.
The Purpose of Our Appetites
Yet we have appetites for more than food. Some appetites, such as hunger and thirst, are about literal survival. But there are other appetites which, while not about life and death, are an intricate part of what it means to be human—appetites for relationships, significance, purpose, and bodily comfort (to name just a few). These are good, God-given appetites.
But our appetites, while legitimate, can never be fully satisfied by earthly things. The desire for a father’s love can be truly satisfied only by the love of the heavenly Father. The desire for bodily comfort can be satisfied only at the resurrection of the dead, when the perishable is made imperishable (1 Corinthians 15:42). The appetite for relationships—the deep desire to know and be known—can be satisfied only in the communion of the saints in glory, when the body of Christ is swept up into the divine communion of the blessed Trinity. And the desire for sexual intimacy between husband and wife can be truly satisfied only in the spiritual marriage of Christ and his church.
Our earthly appetites remind us, even when met, that something more is needed, that finite joys can never provide ultimate satisfaction. But sometimes the whole process short-circuits. The good and perfect gifts that come from our heavenly Father, and which are meant to remind us of him, become ends in themselves. We forget there is a giver beyond the gift; we forget that our appetites are meant to point us to something greater than this world can give.
God Is Not Trying to Starve You
And so, from time to time, God will turn off the tap on one of our appetites in order to make sure we get the point. Friendship is great, but friendship with God is greater. Prosperity in this age is nice, but prosperity in the age to come is nicer. Marriage in this age is beautiful, but marriage in the age to come is more beautiful still.
Just like the physical hunger of fasting turns our attention back to Christ, so too the denial of our other appetites turns us back to Christ. Sometimes God uses loneliness to get our attention. Sometimes he uses physical pain or isolation. Sometimes he denies us material blessing. These seasons of divinely appointed fasting can last for months, years, or even a lifetime. But the key in all of this is the knowledge that God seeks our blessing, not our harm. God does not take away his gifts in order to leave us destitute; he takes away his gifts in order to give us himself.
A divinely appointed fast is God’s way of turning our attention toward that which truly satisfies—namely, himself.
Here is the pastoral point: if you don’t have a proper theology of fasting, then you are going to get upset with God when he causes one of your appetites to go unsatisfied. You will believe he is starving you. Starvation is bad. It’s purposeless, harmful, and destructive. But, fasting is quite another thing. A divinely appointed fast is God’s way of turning our attention toward that which truly satisfies—namely, himself. What is your view of God? Do you believe he is starving you, denying you of something you desperately need? Or do you believe he has appointed a fast for you in order to remind you that the real source of hope and joy is found in him?
Embrace Your Singleness as a God-Ordained Fast
Indeed, God appoints a fast for every one of his children. He disciplines us because he loves us (Hebrews 12:6). If you are bearing the yoke of unwanted singleness, then trust that God has something better for you than marriage, at least for now. He’s not out to rob you of joy but to lead you into it. If marriage was in your best interest, you would have been married by now. God alone knows the answer to why you are still single, despite your desire to the contrary. Rest in the knowledge that he knows the reason rather than in trying to figure out the reason. God has not forgotten you. The God who became man suffered, died on the cross, was buried, and then raised for you on the third day is the God who is involved in and in control of your singleness. He is involved in and in control of your sexuality. He is involved in and in control of your whole life.
So, if you are unhappily single, please remember that God is for you in Christ Jesus! Neither life nor death nor anything in all of creation—even singleness—can separate you from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38–39). Yes, he knows you hunger. Yes, he knows you hunger for something good. But he has chosen, at least for now, not to satisfy your hunger, and he has done so for an infinitely good reason—that you might turn to him in deep dependence. His plan for you, for this season, is your singleness. And while he may not have granted you the gift of singleness, his grace is sufficient to sustain you through the fast. Let your hunger for marital intimacy turn your heart toward the one marriage that can truly satisfy. Friend, your singleness may be unwanted, but if you will submit to the fast, it will be a blessing nonetheless.